2011 District Convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses

Righty then, both Ben and I are glad to bring you the 2011 District Convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses theme and programme.

Let God’s Kingdom Come!

Yep, that’s the theme. I think it’s rather fitting, especially as this cult has been waiting for God’s Kingdom for over a hundred years! I think this theme has the slight tone of, “oh come on Jehovah, for heavens sake! We’ve waited for so long for your Kingdom to come. Please, let it come!”

Any comments on what you think this convention should be titled would be great. The wittier, the better!

2011 District Convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses Programme

Friday - “The Kingdom of the Heavens Has Drawn Near” —Matthew 4:17

• 9:20 Music
• 9:30 Song No. 5 and Prayer
• 9:40 Chairman’s Address: Why We Need God’s Kingdom to Come
• 10:10 How We Know That God’s Kingdom Will Come Soon
• 10:30 “We Must Enter Into the Kingdom . . . Through Many Tribulations”
• 10:50 Song No. 18 and Announcements
• 11:00 Symposium: How Covenants Relate to the Kingdom
• Jehovah’s Purpose Is Challenged
• Covenants That Identify the Seed
• Leading God’s People to the Solution
• The Complete Solution
• 11:40 Keynote Address: Who Are Preaching the “Good News of the Kingdom”?
• 12:10 Song No. 31 and Intermission
• 1:50 Music
• 2:00 Song No. 30
• 2:05 Questions About the Kingdom Answered
• 2:25 Will You Make Sacrifices for the Kingdom?
• 2:45 A True Story That Inspires Hope
• 3:15 Song No. 86 and Announcements
• 3:25 Symposium: Jesus’ Miracles Portend Rich Kingdom Blessings!
• “You Have Reserved the Fine Wine Until Now”
• “All Ate and Were Satisfied”
• “He Cured All Who Were Faring Badly”
• “Lazarus, Come On Out!”
• “A Great Calm Set In”
• “He Himself Knew What Was in Man”
• 4:25 What Will Go When God’s Kingdom Comes?
• 4:55 Song No. 19 and Closing Prayer

Saturday - “Keep On . . . Seeking First the Kingdom and His Righteousness”— Matthew 6:33

• 9:20 Music
• 9:30 Song No. 93 and Prayer
• 9:40 “Let Your Light Shine”!
• 10:00 Symposium: Kingdom Illustrations — How They Affect Your Ministry
• The Mustard Grain
• The Leaven
• The Merchant
• The Sower Who Sleeps
• The Dragnet
• The Prodigal Son
• 11:00 Song No. 40 and Announcements
• 11:10 Seek the Kingdom, Not Things
• 11:30 “Come . . . Inherit the Kingdom”
• 12:00 Song No. 59 and Intermission
• 1:25 Music
• 1:35 Song No.24
• 1:40 “Keep Your Minds Fixed on the Things Above”
• 2:00 Symposium: Beware of Enemies of the Kingdom!
• Satan and the Demons
• Babylon the Great
• Apostates
• Our Imperfect Flesh
• 2:45 Song No. 89 and Announcements
• 2:55 Parents—Shepherd Your Children Toward Kingdom Blessings
• 3:15 DRAMA: “These Words . . . Must Prove to Be on Your Heart”
• 4:20 Are You Behaving as a Kingdom Citizen?
• 4:55 Song No. 134 and Closing Prayer

Sunday - “There Will Be Richly Supplied to You the Entrance Into the Everlasting Kingdom”—2 Peter 1:11

• 9:20 Music
• 9:20 Music
• 9:30 Song No. 109 and Prayer
• 9:40 Symposium: Appreciating the Messianic King’s Appealing Personality
• Humble
• Tender
• Approachable
• Reasonable
• Courageous
• Generous
• Self-Controlled
• Discerning
• 11:00 Song No. 99 and Announcements
• 11:10 Public Bible Discourse: Will Humans Ruin This Earth?
• 11:40 Summary of The Watchtower
• 12:10 Song No. 133 and Intermission
• 1:30 Music
• 1:40 Song No. 69
• 1:45 DRAMA: Young Ones — Be Discreet and Wise
• 2:45 Song No. 64 and Announcements
• 2:55 God’s Kingdom Will Crush All Other Kingdoms — When?
• 3:40 Song No. 2 and Closing Prayer

Key points that you should take note of:

• The Symposium on Saturday at 2pm is all about how to stay away from Apostates. Isn’t that just great? The more they tell their members to not do something, the more us humans want to explore. It’s not our fault, Jehovah made us this way! Keep it coming WBTS!
• Buy yourselves a mini Bluetooth earpiece. Paint it the same colour as your ear and away you go! I’ve listened to the first 10 chapters of The God Delusion audio book this way. It’s rather enlightening.
• Use some of the Jehovah’s Witness chat-up lines that we’ve put together for you.

For those that have already been, you’ll know that the following is the real programme:

Friday
Morning
YOU need the Organisation. Jehovah will most definitely kill you at Armageddon if you think you can simply turn away from him. YOU must do more for the Organisation. We intend to milk you more, but even so, you must endure.

Symposium: Bla-bla; the Governing Body represents the anointed, therefore we can bleed you dry, but you must do what we say in the process. Welcome to our first boasting session.

Afternoon
Bla-bla about a kingdom that never comes. YOU have to give all you have to and for the Organisation. Examples of sheep that have given everything to the organisation. Are you like these ones? If not, you should hang your head in shame. You’re not worthy. You’re disgusting.

Symposium: Bla-bla about the make-believe Jesus Christ. The Governing Body wants YOU to hate the world and everything in it. That means Facebook, JehovahsWitnessBlog.com, AtheistsWeekly.com, other apostate websites, your real friends and anyone that doesn’t want to give their all to the Governing Body.

Saturday
Morning

Are you spending enough hours in the field service? We know you’re not! Why aren’t you? You’re disgusting.

Symposium: The Governing Body wants you to do more in the field service. More we tell you, more! Give to the Organisation and hate the worldly stuff. Look at the beautiful, imaginary carrot! Look at how carefully we have dangled it in front of you. Oh my, you were only baptised 40 years ago! The End is nearer than you think!

Afternoon
Give everything to the Organisation! You’re not worthy! We are and we know what’s best for you.

Symposium: Hate the Apostates! Hate them, kill them, kill them! Hate the world and everything it offers! Hate your own dirty thoughts! Parents, give your children to the Organisation. If you’re a parent, are you encouraging your younger ones to become pioneers or maybe even work for the Organisation for free in Bethel? Or are you instructing them to maybe go to college? Parents, if you are doing the latter, you’re leading your children to destruction! Do you want your children’s blood on your hands? What’s wrong with being a window-cleaner? Parents; come on now. Do the right thing. We know what’s best for your children.

Drama: The most boring pile of drivel ever. But, if you’re interested in giving all you have to the Organisation, you’ll love it!

Sunday

Morning

Symposium: Bla-bla about an imaginary God and about his imaginary son.

Public Bible Dicourse: The world is on a self-destruct course, so take refuge in the Organisation. Bring a pillow to this talk.

Afternoon
Drama: Young ones; give yourselves to the Organisation. It’s better than Facebook, girls/boys and your friends. God’s kingdom will come and save all Jehovah’s Witnesses (DISCLAIMER: Only the ones that are doing more than is humanly possible for the Organisation. The rest will have their eyes plucked out by the same crows that ate the babies eyes.

Recap: We have learnt that you are disgusting. You are nothing without the Governing Body. The Organisation knows best and only by giving your all to the Organisation, will you be saved when the God of Love shows his loving mercy. Do more and give more to the Organisation. If not, you may be living a double life. And oh my dears, you can’t fool Jehovah.