Are you a Closet Apostate?

Are you a closet Jehovah’s Witness apostate? Well, are you? Read through the 25 points below and ask yourself if you can relate to any of them. Go on, humour me.

1. You count 10 hours per month but haven’t actually had a proper conversation about “The Truth” to a non-Jehovah’s Witness in years.
2. You have no idea what bearing 607, 1914 and 1919 have on all Jehovah’s Witnesses, other than they are important dates.
3. You randomly underline your study articles and sometimes even write fake notes in the margins.
4. Your mind wanders off during assemblies.
5. You’ve never contributed money to “The Organisation” and don’t plan to.
6. You keep your eyes open during prayer, sticking your tongue out at the toddler in front of you.
7. You’re fed up of listening to pioneers telling everyone that they’re “fatigued”.
8. Your favourite websites are www.JehovahsWitnessBlog.com andwww.AtheistsWeekly.com
9. When everyone else says “Amen” at the end of a prayer, you whisper “what bullshit.”
10. You watch smurf cartoons when no one is around.
11. Whilst at an assembly, you have thought about calling in a bomb scare.
12. You fart in the car while out in the field service and blame it on the elderly sister.
13. You think Harry Potter is great.
14. You think “Thriller” was one of the greatest music videos ever made.
15. You read comic books in the Kingdom Hall bathroom during meetings. When questioned about your long time spent in the bathroom, you tell people you have been having toilet issues.
16. You only volunteer for work at assemblies that keep you out of your seat during the talks.
17. You never hang out with other Jehovah’s Witness kids at school unless you are shagging them.
18. You’ve been to at least one Judicial Committee and lied so well they made you a Ministerial Servant!
19. You have porn stored on your computer.
20. You hate the “We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses” song, but just can’t get it out of your head. You find yourself humming it every now and then and have to bitch-slap yourself silly.
21. You ink a moustache and glasses on the picture of the featured brother in a Watchtower “Life Story” article.
22. You never wear your name tag at the district assemblies.
23. You struggle to find ways to keep yourself awake during the afternoon sessions at any assembly.
24. You’ve already decided that if you or your children ever need a blood transfusion, you’ll happily accept it.
25. You wish your parents weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses and think of the life you could have had.

If you answered “yes” to at least two of these points you may not yet be a Closet Apostate, but you are on your way!