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Jehovah’s Witness Chat-up Lines

Submitted by Jaymes on July 1, 2011 - 11:17 am 20 Comments

Funny Jehovah's Witness Chat-Up LinesHello guys and gals, I thought we’d spice some things up for you and your potential partner/marriage mate/divorcee.

Today sees the Cyprus District Convention kick off. I’ll be there, checking out all the sisters, and boy are there a lot of “faithful” sisters just waiting for Mr. Single to come along and sweep them off the tarmac. These sisters shouldn’t be left on the tarmac! By using these Jehovah’s Witness chat-up lines, they certainly won’t be .

Oh, and here’s my personal guarantee. If you use these chat-up lines, you will at least get a laugh, which could lead all the way to a chaperoned date! Wow, isn’t that joyful….

  1. Come on down to my place, and you can serve where the need is greater
  2. Come back to the hotel with me and you can check out my Elder’s Body
  3. Someone is going to be crying out tonight, but it won’t be for “Peace and Security”
  4. I don’t believe in sparing the rod… how do you feel about spanking?
  5. I’m an interested one, can I please have a return visit?
  6. God says we should go forth and multiply.
  7. I’m following Jesus’ command to become a fisher of men. You seem like a great catch!
  8. I’ll be your own personal whore of Babylon if you can be my wild beast baby!
  9. If your baptism had been a wet t-shirt contest, you’d have won 1st place
  10. How do you feel about being submissive and full of mercy?
  11. Let’s have some bad association together and ruin your good habits!
  12. So how about I call round same time next week and we discuss that further?
  13. Don’t worry, I’ve girded my loins!
  14. Can I put my new release in your briefcase?
  15. I just graduated from Gilead. Let’s try the missionary position
  16. Is that a convention programme rolled up in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
  17. You look like you’re in need of some love-bombing!
  18. Give me just one night and I’ll show you how bright New Light really gets
  19. I’d like to anoint you
  20. Why am I staring at you? I am keeping my eyes on the prize
  21. No, I wasn’t staring at your chest. I was reading your lapel badge
  22. Would you like to handle this microphone?
  23. Oh my, you really are worth a Judicial Committee
  24. Why don’t you make like Balaam and beat my ass?
  25. I would definitely consider a family night with you
  26. Sister, I’m sorry I had to be so firm and hard, but you needed it
  27. Missionary is overrated…. I like it from behind
  28. They say oral is a sin….want to prove them wrong?
  29. I must be a member of the 144,000 cause when I look at you I am in heaven
  30. Would you like to tame my wild beast?
  31. Do you want to mount Zion tonight?
  32. If you’ll be faithful…I’ll be discreet
  33. Come and climb my WatchTower
  34. When I see you, it turns from clay into iron
  35. If I said you had a nice governing body would you hold it against me?
  36. Let’s overlap our generations if you know what I mean
  37. What do you say we lose this great crowd?
  38. I want to be your faithful slave
  39. Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1975
  40. I’ve got a nice bottle of wine back at my place… do you like unleavened bread?
  41. No need for a great tribulation, I can take you to paradise right now
  42. You’re giving me a Crisis of Conscience!

If you’re into the same sex scene, you could always try the Jonathan/David gay pick up line (I know a few Cypriot brothers will be using the below line, especially the Circuit Overseer):

  • My love for you is greater than that of women

If you want to pick up a sister, there are loads flocking to the District Convention in Limassol, Cyprus. You don’t need to use any of the above chat-up lines. All you have to say is “hi, I’m single”. To win over even more, add “a” and “pioneer” or “Elder’s son” where applicable.

PS. If you manage to actually go the distance, try this; when she screams “oh my God!”. Say “yes?”.

  • Jerry O Connor

    “Like Jesus I am a carpenter, can I screw you to the bed?”

  • Jerry O Connor

    “If I get you on your knees you will be screaming Oh Jesus dont stop”!

  • sophia

    I love this! Sooo good hehe, keep em coming!

  • jimbo

    Fucking hilarious,my friend you’re like the Andrew dice Clay of jw jokes.

  • Des Storrier

    How can the JW’s keep flapping on about last days when they have been so shamefully discredited on this issue so often. It is another form of spiritual blackmail to attract insecure people to their ranks. Be nice to JW’s, they are seriously flawed and need help. They actively promote rejection of higher learning as a means of shielding their membership from rational thinking. Their fragile grip on reality may well be the foundation of many religious sects but should never be regarded as substantial enough to justify their our thoughtless acceptance of their own scare tactics. When they knock at your door, tell them that they have the right to preach their irrational nonesense but that as a rational, educated person you also have the right to reject it.

  • http://cs.com carol stream

    google this bro jeremy evans bank robber ray bandit carol stream il glen ellyn cong

  • Liz

    James wins.

  • http://watchtowerletters.com James

    Why don’t you come over to my place and show me how to stay awake, stand firm, and grow mighty?

  • Catherine

    Hi there! You make my blood fractions hot!

  • Catherine

    You don’t need to go to college; I can give you an education.

  • Catherine

    I may die tomorrow in the great war of Armageddon. I’m still a virgin so please spend my last night with me?

  • Catherine

    A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and a public reproof.

  • Catherine

    To an unbaptised sister ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the hours.’

  • Catherine

    Let’s make wise use of the last days before Armageddon.

  • Catherine

    Serenade her with ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother!’

  • http://scottleblog.wordpress.com Sally

    Absolutely hilarious! “We’re gonna party like it’s 1975.” Brilliant!

  • http://www.JehovahsWitnessBlog.com Teeny

    You love Cypriots? So you’re the one….

  • donkennedyalbert

    thank you!!!!! great humor and i love cypriots :))

  • DeRanged Jdub

    Ah ahaha …so sharing this

  • Buddhagan

    Number 32! LOLZ