Young People Ask: Why Don’t People Like Me? – Jehovah’s Witness Dating Advice

A typical second date…

On the wonderful Watchtower website today, there are two featured links to Young People Ask articles. The first is called, “Why don’t girls like me?” and the second is called, “Why don’t boys like me?” It has some great Jehovah’s Witness dating advice.

The Boys

The “Why don’t girls like me?” article begins with:

“YOU’RE old enough to date.”

Well, I hope no six year old boys are reading it – that’s pretty young to start dating.

The quotes at the top of the page are great, because they are so realistic. Take a look:

“I’m really impressing her. I’ve told her all about myself—the things I own, the places I’ve been, the people I know. She must be dying to date me!”

Yes, that’s right, apparently all Jehovah’s Witness ‘young people’ are self-obsessed morons. Let’s move on.

Throughout the article, there are clips of “What Girls Say”. One bit of advice is to be good mannered and not to ask very personal questions when you meet someone. What sort of questions? Birth control preferences? Their toilet routine? Let’s see:

“I am put off when I’ve just met someone but he asks questions that are too personal, such as ‘Are you dating?’ and ‘What are your goals?’ It’s rude and makes me squirm!”—Kathy, 19.

In the words of Jar-Jar Binks, “How wude!” How dare you ask what her goals in life are, or if she’s seing anyone! What you should do is take the initiative, dudes!

“I can’t read minds. So if someone wanted to get to know me better, he would have to be honest and straightforward and just tell me.” —Nina, 23.

I can imagine the conversation starting off. I mean, what a great pick-up line! “Hi Nina. I’d like to get to know you better with a view to marriage in the future. Don’t worry, I won’t ask you what your goals in life are or if you’re dating anyone at the moment.”

Oh, but don’t try that without brushing your teeth first.

“One boy who was interested in me had really bad breath. I just couldn’t get past that.” —Kelly, 24.

Must have been from all the crap that keeps coming out of Jehovah’s Witness mouths. And it gets better. What do girls like in boys?

“I’m impressed when a boy can converse with me naturally, when he can remember things I told him and can ask questions that keep the conversation moving.” —Christine, 20.

So, as long as you aren’t a goldfish, guys, you’re in with a shot. And what does she mean ‘converse with me naturally’? Do some people learn to talk out of their arse? Well.. they are Jehovah’s Witnesses, so I guess it’s a possibility.

And remember boys, as the article concludes, ‘Be realistic’. Face it – the girls might not fancy you now, but in a few years when all the other boys in the circuit are taken, you’ll have your pick from several desperate sisters who might even go all the way and hold your hand before you get married.

The Girls
Who thinks like this:

She looks attractive, but she seems so shallow! I’ve hardly had a chance to say anything. And when I do speak up, she corrects me! I wonder where the nearest exit is.

I have never, in my life, thought the words, “I wonder where the nearest exit is.” I can generally remember the way I went in to a place, like most normal people, but even if not, I promise, I haven’t thought about it in those words.

Unlike the boys article, the girls advice starts off assuming you’re a narcissist.

DO YOU worry that boys are not attracted to you? Many girls do, even the ones you think would have no problems!

The first bit of advice for girls is to ‘know your heart and mind’ and to learn to respect people.

“I find it attractive when a girl is able to form opinions for herself, when she seems to have the inner conviction that she’s a person in her own right.” —James

I had to double take here. I didn’t think Jehovah’s Witnesses were allowed to form opinions for themselves. Usually, they have to do everything the Watchtower orders without question, and everything the husband in the house says. The advice should have read, “Make sure you’re feeling comfortable with the fact that you’ll be second-best in a relationship and expected to do all the housework. You already got used to the fact you have to wear a napkin on your head if you teach in front of a brother, so this shouldn’t be too hard for you. Now, be quiet, woman!”

Damien says:

“I admit that I’m often initially attracted to pretty girls.”

Well, duh. I don’t know the last time I looked at an obese, sweaty 50 year old with a beard and thought she was irresistible.

The article also points out that girls, like boys, need to make sure they look after their hygiene. No one likes a minger. Also, don’t flirt and don’t be clingy. Remember the old adage, “Bro’s before ho’s.”

So there you have it folks. The perfect advice from that great book, Young People Ask: How Can I Be More Unpopular.

If you’ve tried all of this advice and it is still not working, try these great Jehovah’s Witness pick up lines.