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The Complete Guide to Being a Jehovah’s Witness

The Complete Dubs Guide for Dummies to Jehovah's Witness BeliefsI would like to thank Farkel (poster on JWN) for today’s blog, for it was his post “Dub For Dummies” that inspired me to write, or you could say, remake, Farkel’s fine work.

Please review this excerpt from the book, The Complete Dubs Guide For Dummies:

Are you an honest-hearted person that is interested in knowing the truth that the Bible speaks of? Did you know that there are many wonderful provisions set for mankind within this Holy Book? What do you Really know about Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Reading this guide will help you consider the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. We, the Governing Body of the Jehovah’s Witness Organisation, are confident that once you learn what the Bible Really teaches, you will see that Jehovah’s Witnesses are endeavouring to follow the Bible, as our Creator, Jehovah, always intended us to do. In order to fully understand the bible, you will need to use our inspired literature (donations are warmly accepted to continue this “Worldwide Work”).

We are sure that you have heard of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but you may not know what we believe and practice. We encourage you to take a few minutes and review this brief summary of our main beliefs:

  • We only have one celebration a year. This is the celebration of the Lord’s Evening Meal, held sundown on Nisan 14 of each year. To prepare for this grand celebration, our congregations around the world purchase over 80,000 bottles of red wine and approximately 90,000 packets of Ryvita, then assemble together in our Kingdom Halls. We advise that everyone remain quiet and solemn during the course of this celebration. Prior to commencing this joyous event, the Body of Elders (sometimes assisted by Ministerial Servants, or those to whom responsibility and privilege has been given) fill up glasses with wine, as well as place the Ryvita on several clean, white plates, and pass them around so that everyone can look at and actually touch these glasses of wine and these clean plates (that have Ryvita neatly placed on them). After everyone has had a chance to do this, the celebration concludes with a prayer.
  • Whilst on Earth, Jesus mentioned a two-class Christian model. Only 144,000 spirit-anointed ones have a heavenly hope. The remaining Jehovah’s Witnesses make up the other sector in this two-class arrangement, called “The Great Crowd”. Only the remaining anointed ones can partake in the wine and Ryvita. The spirit-anointed ones are by no means given a guaranteed entry route into heaven. Some fall away from the truth. The ones that do are replaced with new members. These members are selected from the second group (The Great Crowd). Recently, we have noticed that quite a few of these spirit-anointed ones have fallen away from the faith. These ones have been replaced efficiently, and this fact is portrayed in the increasing partakers in recent years.
  • Jehovah’s Witnesses are the only “True Christians™” and we are actually contemplating publishing a book with “Jesus” or “Christ” in its title.
  • We believe that every prophecy in the Bible has a greater fulfilment in our modern day.
  • Every single one of the good prophecies within the bible is being fulfilled in our day. Just take a look at the fulfillments of 1914 and 1919. Isn’t it so amazing that only we, the only “True Christians™”, have the foresight of this knowledge?
  • We do not celebrate birthdays as we believe life is too sacred and we do not want to put ourselves at risk by getting beheaded (as so commonly happens at such gatherings), as well as allowing drunkenly disorder to take over. No sir! Jehovah instructs order, and that can only be found within small “get-togethers”, although it is highly advisable that an elder be present. Another form of enjoyment the organisation does allow its followers to participate in is a weekly Watchtower study group. Brothers and sisters enjoy valuable fellowship at these gatherings, although one should be weary of expressing their own “independent thoughts”, as this could stumble others within the flock who are not prone to independent thinking. The Governing Body advises that any answers to the Watchtower’s questions be directed from the paragraphs within the CURRENT Watchtower being studied. Answers should be in line with current teachings only.
  • We believe in the Ransom Sacrifice of Jesus. The Ransom Sacrifice was lovingly provided by Jehovah God after Adam lost the right to eternal life. God therefore punished him by forcing him to die. Jehovah God then killed Jesus, by forcing him to die, and thus Jesus “bought back” the right to eternal life. Since Adam lost the right to eternal life, the loving God Jehovah condemned the human race and thus removed the perfection blanket from our flesh, which causes all humans to die.
  • God will soon destroy almost all humans during the “Great Day of Armageddon™” by killing them before the normal course of their imperfect lives leads to their inevitable death (due to the removal of the perfection from our flesh, which was brought upon us due to Adam’s insurrection. See above for further clarification on this extremely simple point). Some time after Armageddon God will perform a mass-resurrection. This will include all the people he killed (by forcing death upon us all after Adam sinned), except for the ones he killed directly (such as the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, Hitler, all those loving disfellowshipped and the approximate 7 billion he killed at Armageddon. These dead ones include millions of new born babies and helpless disabled ones). God will generously allow the ones that he does resurrect to live for a thousand years alongside the survivors of Armageddon (the survivors of Armageddon are all of God’s people; namely, the Jehovah’s Witnesses; let’s keep that in mind, always). Jehovah shows just how much he loves us because just before the thousand years commence, he will lock Satan and his Demons away in an Abyss, so that those alive on the Earth, can replenish it. Because Satan and his Demons will be locked away the remaining survivors of Armageddon, plus the ones that were resurrected, can serve Jehovah wholeheartedly without being hindered by the “Wicked One”. At the end of the thousand years though, God will release Satan and his Demons from their prison. They will be given “a short time” in which to try and turn the Earth against Jehovah. The most high, will lovingly put to death those that oppose him during this final test. Only after God has completely cleansed the entire Earth will the Ransom Debt™ be repaid. If anyone disobeys God after this time period, Jehovah God will simply kill them. We refer to this as the “Loving Ransom Provision of Jehovah and Jesus.”
  • We believe that Jesus took his Heavenly Throne and began ruling in 1914 of our Common Era™. We base this belief on Jesus’ mention of the Gentile Times, and Daniel’s prophecy in chapter 4 of his book, which was written hundreds of years earlier. We base the chronology in Daniel 4 on the “Times-equals-lunar-years-equals-days-equals-solar-years” rule. As you can see, everything we preach and teach about in our inspired literature is completely Bible-based. The Governing Body have established this “truth” by illustrating it in many separate books, but have not yet compiled all the information into one book. We also know that for the 1914 prophecy to have been fulfilled, Jerusalem must have been destroyed in 607 B.C.E., and not the wrong date of 587 B.C.E. We believe this wholeheartedly, even though the rest of the world, including archaeologists and historians point to 587 B.C.E. as the destruction of Jerusalem. We believe in the 607 B.C.E. date, even though the Governing Body devised the 607 B.C.E. date by using the same starting point as the world’s leading archaeologists and historians, for that date can only be found by using archaeological findings, as the Bible makes no mention of such a date. You can see just how much faith it really takes to be a member of Jehovah’s Organisation, for even though all the evidence points to Jerusalem being destroyed in 587 B.C.E, we take stock in what the Governing Body teach, for they are Jehovah’s true and only mouthpiece.
  • Jesus has been enthroned as King at God’s right hand in heaven for almost a century now (2nd October, 2014 will mark his 100-year reign). The bible prophesied about this, and only the Jehovah’s Witnesses have announced this fact. Don’t these facts make you want to become a member of the “one true religion”?
  • During his reign, Jesus has been organising and preparing for the Great Day of Armageddon. Even though it looks as though Jesus has not been doing much, we believe that once you become a member of his “Earthly Organisation™”, the work Jesus has been doing will become very apparent to you.
  • The Bible clearly states that association with the Scarlet-Coloured Wild Beast, is detestable to Jehovah. This beast has been signified as the United Nations.
  • In light of the above statement, we would like to add that Jehovah has approved the top-ranking members within Jesus’ “Earthly Organisation™” to associate with the Scarlet-Coloured Wild Beast, for Jehovah clearly understands the importance of owning UN Library Cards. However, other religions who do the same thing are fornicating with the Scarlet-Coloured Wild Beast, since they do not have Jehovah’s approval to carry out such detestable actions. As stated above, only if Jehovah personally approves an action, are we to deal with the Scarlet-Coloured Wild Beast. Under no terms can any Jehovah’s Witness work for the UN or any of its subsidiaries. This is all based on the Bible.
  • We believe that baptism is the single-most important decision in a Christian’s life. That’s why we’ve made it a legally-binding contract. Times have changed since Jesus said to baptise in the name of the Father, the Son and the holy spirit. This point will be fully discussed with you should you start a “Free Home Bible Study™” and no pressure whatsoever will be added.
  • We believe that disfellowshipping people, which in turn leads to the disfellowshipped one being cut off from their family, friends, and in most likelihood, the community in which they grew up, is a true act of Christian love. Even though many have taken their own life in such cases, these ones are disfellowshipped because we love them; although as stated above, Jehovah will not resurrect any disfellowshipped ones, for he hates them..
  • Those who get disfellowshipped due to “Apostasy” are cast far from the loving family of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Apostates ask that we question the teachings of God’s Earthly Mouthpiece, The Governing Body. Who are we to question such men? In this short passage, haven’t we already proven to you that these men are from God?
  • If you are interested in joining our loving fellowship, please beware of the Internet. We have recently been addressed by the Organisation in relation to owning social website accounts, such as Facebook and Twitter. It has come to our attention that members of Jehovah’s Organisation have been in contact with Apostates, without even knowing it! Jehovah has come to despise Facebook and Twitter for “the sons of Satan” are at work on these unloving tools making true Witnesses question the Governing Body!
  • We believe that all non-Jehovah’s Witnesses should question their religion. Is the Pope really ordained by God? Was Muhammad really a prophet of the most high? When you question the faiths of Catholicism or Islam, you will find that these faiths are nothing more than cults, masquerading as Religion.
  • We believe that death is the penalty for sin, except for those who are disfellowshipped.
  • We do not believe in Hell, neither do we believe in Hell-Fire, for how could Jehovah God be called a “Loving God” if he allowed something as gruesome as Hell to exist?
  • We believe in the Great Day of Armageddon (as stated above), which in effect, will be the largest known cleansing of filth and evil our Earth has ever known. But do not despair – Jehovah is doing this for YOU. Also, many have said that Jehovah’s Great Day is nothing more than a mass genocide and that he could never kill young babies. We would like to point you to the days of Noah. Jehovah was as loving then as he is now and he thought it just and wise to kills babies during the flood, therefore we know he will happily kill any babies that are not Jehovah’s Witnesses, even if they are a few hours old. Jehovah is great and we love him!
  • We do not bow down to idols. You will not find idol in any of our 76,000 (and counting) Kingdom Halls. Neither will you find any windows.
  • We treat the Circuit Overseer, the District Overseer and all the members of Jehovah God’s Earthly Mouthpiece, the Governing Body, in the honourable light that they clearly deserve. These humble servants of Jehovah and his Organisation are stars in their own right and must be treated as such.
  • We believe that Jesus was crucified on an upright stake, rather than on a cross. Even if that means his arms could have been covering the sign placed directly over his head. We know that Jesus did not die on a cross. We know this because God’s Earthly Mouthpiece, the Governing Body, have told us so. In fact, we have proof, for Jehovah directed his Faithful and Discreet Slave to research the Imperial Bible Dictionary (Published in 1874). On page 376, it clearly states that Jesus died on a stake. Therefore, this signifies that all other Christians, including Historians and Acclaimed Bible Scholars, must be wrong.
  • Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that Satan the Devil has deceived the entire world. He has done this by tricking them into believing that Jehovah does not even exist! Also, those that do believe in God, cannot come to “truly know” him, because Satan has blinded them. Did you know that the Organisation is responsible for unraveling the mysteries of the Book of Revelation? This is truly outstanding! So many are tossed around by their blinded religious leaders, whilst Jehovah’s Witnesses on the other hand, have come to the understanding of the true message that rests within the Bible. Jehovah God is directing his people to understand what the Bible Really Teaches. Just take a look at the example relating to the destruction of Jerusalem as stated above. Satan has blinded everyone’s eyes, apart from ours. Would you like you to feel as privileged and happy as we are? Start a study today!
  • We believe that Jehovah God has always worked his will through an Organisation or an arrangement. That is the reason why one becomes a Jehovah’s Witness. For when that one is brought “into the flock”, he or she is baptised into our Bible-Based Organisation™ and lovingly abides by all the rules that are brought forth by this spiritual arrangement.
  • We know that Satan has turned everyone against us. Therefore anyone that is not a Jehovah’s Witness is against us. You will find that your immediate family may not be happy when they hear of you learning about “the truth”. Do not let this get you down, for Jehovah always looks after his own.
  • We have proof that atheists are the work of the devil. Also, all the authors that are directly or indirectly related to the blasphemous blog, Atheists Weekly, will soon be disfellowshipped. The Governing Body are working hard to find out which Jehovah’s Witnesses are involved so as to bring these terrible ones to justice!
  • And finally, we would like to ask if what you have read thus far has in anyway made you believe the vicious rumours in which the Apostates, “worldly” psychologists, and others have claimed that our Organisation is a Mind-Controlling Cult? It sickens us when we hear such things! We continue to do our best for all, yet Satan has sent his Apostates into the world and many are drawing to their lies. We hope you can see past their charm, the Internet and the multitude of facts, and follow us in loving brotherly companionship.

Does what you’ve read make you excited about these Bible-based beliefs? For more information on how you can live forever on a paradise Earth, please fill in the card on page 220. The postage has not been covered, therefore you will be responsible for the postage.

Complete Guide to Jehovah's Witness Beliefs